C'mon feel the noise

Spanking afficionados are the only people on Earth who want to get rich so they can buy enough land that they can engage in spanking acts without upsetting the neighbors. I love the fact that Pixie just bought a house with a woodshed. And you know exactly how the conversation went with her boyfriend:

"We get to have a woodshed!"

"Great, that will sure come in handy!"

"Yeah, and maybe one day we'll even put wood in it!"

I live in enough of an urban setting that I have to be careful about that stuff too. My neighbors are likely to hear, to paraphrase Simon & Garfunkel, the Sounds of Spanking.



Here's a few tips to set the stage during your day-to-day life so, when you actually are spanking someone, your neighbors won't think twice about it:

1. Constantly bang coconuts together; tell your neighbors that you belong to a Monty Python society and enjoy re-enacting key scenes from their movies.

2. That will also come in handy when you start up the spanking; just yell something about lighting the Grail-Shaped beacon.

3. Play CDs of the Yugoslavian Bottle Breaking and Marching society. Lots of percussion in that.

4. Beat a lot of towels out on your balcony.

5. Play the Secretary DVD frequently and at full volume. Then no one will be able to tell fantasy from reality when you shift into real-life Edward Grey mode.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not in the least embarrassed of my spanko identity. But there's a lot of elderly women nearby, and I don't want to frighten them. Or worse--not frighten them and have to answer their requests for their own discipline. Look, I definitely believe that you're never too old for a spanking, but I'm not really the one to administer punishment to 80-year old brats.

Even though they do come with their own canes.